Friday, August 26, 2016

The Reasons I Cry

I had a long drive today because my orthodontist is a few towns north of where I live. I was in the car, listening to music, and I started daydreaming. I am a vivid daydreamer, from years of experience in high school science classes. I am also PMSing. In the past, when I have been PMSing, I have cried for what some people would deem diculous reasons… sad commercials about dogs on TV, giving people compliments, and even a scene from a comedy show that wasn't supposed to be that heartfelt at all (in the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt show, when her friend is getting married, and she is upset because the groom is gay and there's nothing she can do to stop it). 
Well today, when I was driving, I started thinking about what my parents would say if they were giving me wedding toasts. And yes, I cried. I think the orthodontist was afraid that something horrible had happened (yay discounts!). My parents have very high expectations set for them now, if I ever get married.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Consequences of Resourcefulness

The other night, I went to a barbecue and my glass was continually filled, so I got pretty tipsy. I walked back to boyfriend's house, and he changed my phone password and distributed the contents of my purse onto the floor of several rooms. I decided to wait until I was sober enough to drive and deal with everything, and fell asleep until until 2:30 a.m..

At this point, I decided to just sleep there, but my eyes were killing me because I hadn't taken out my contacts. I went to the bathroom and found some extra contact solution, but I needed a container. I looked through the medicine cabinet and found an empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I took off the lid, which had a little bit of pink residue on it. I washed it in the sink, and then stuck my contacts in there for the night. 

The next morning, my contacts were swimming in a little pink pool of solution. Apparently I hadn't washed the lid thoroughly. I put them in, and they felt fine, but they made my eyes glow pink. I thought the color would hopefully fade and I could clean them when I got home. It wasn't that noticeable. 

"Good morning. How did you slee--OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYES."

It was a little noticeable.  

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Rat

There was a rat in my boyfriend's mother's closet, and as the bravest man in the world it was his responsibility to murder it. At the time, he had a job at a science lab where they had to suffocate mice in bags... the company later got sued for having a secret barn full of sick goats and lost their animal license. 

The rat was in an old shoe, and it actually was pretty cute. But as I remarked on this, he reminded me of all of the diseases that rats carry so I wouldn't get emotional. 

In preparation, he went to a safe and pulled out a gun. He had to defend himself. 

He scooped the rat in a bag, and he took it outside. He banged it on the ground, and the rat died instantly. 

"I kinda still want to shoot it."

"No, that will make a big mess."

And that is the story of how I aided a murder.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Killing Me Softly

My friend that had worked with me in England came to visit last week. We had a full itinerary of hiking, wine tasting, surfing, and trail running. When her last evening was upon us we decided that it was only fair to the world if we shared our musical talents. We went to a dive bar a few blocks from where I live called Bill's Place. Wine, schnapps, and beer kept us singing karaoke far too long, and it was a wonderful ending to her trip. Yet it was only the beginning of the turmoil that that night would bring.

The morning my friend had left (got to the train station with 3 minutes to spare) I hungoveredly dropped my phone into my coffee. There didn't seem to be much damage. I showed it to my boyfriend, and while he fiddled with it, he came across a poorly filmed selfie video of my friend and I, silently and with much exaggerated expressions, singing "Killing me Softly".

"Man, I wish I could hear this," he said while I sat back, relieved. A little while later his phone buzzed, and I heard my friend and I drunkenly butchering lyrics, one could say killing people softly with our words. He had sent the video to himself.

Every night since, whenever I see my boyfriend or his housemate, they start singing it. Next time I drink schnapps (which is hopefully never), the phone stays at home.


I was visiting my friend and her family, planning her wedding that's set for November. It felt like being a kid again, sitting in the living room with her dad in charge of the remote to the television (Television! Pff! So '90s).

While my friend and I gabbed about decorations, my friend's dad drifted off and began to snore. There's something about the way peoples' chins drop when they're sleeping upright that gives even the most dignified people drooling expressions.

While he slept, clutching the remote to his chest, Antique Road Show blurred in the background. After several episodes, my friend's brother said, "Why is this on?" which prompted my friend's father to stop snoring and contribute with a resounding "I HAVE NO IDEA" before continuing to snore with the next breath.