Monday, December 5, 2016

No Peeking

One December, when we were teenagers, my brother found his Christmas present while snooping around the garage.

"I found a brand new snowboard in the loft!" he confessed to me. I mentioned the find to my mom, and she told my brother that we were hiding it for our neighbor's son for Christmas. "Aww, Trevor is so lucky."

On Christmas morning, my brother, sister, and I always got one big present from Santa. That year, my sister got a handmade jewelry box. I got a stereo that held 6 CDs. My brother got a pillow in the shape of a shark, which was his favorite animal... when he was five.

"I knew you would either love it or hate it!" my mom said to him. My brother was a good sport about it.

When we had all opened all of our other presents, we brought out the snowboard.

"I was so mad!" he said with joy.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Missing Mother Nature


Once, when I was very young, my parents took the family on a camping trip. Running through the trees was everything FernGully and Pocahontas promised it would be.

As we gathered around the campfire, my dad announced that he needed to “visit Mother Nature”. An image formed in my brain of an old lady in a wooden cabin full of talking animals—a Snow White version of Mrs. Claus in the very woods where we were going to make s’mores. I immediately insisted on accompanying my dad.

“I want to meet Mother Nature!”

“No, no. I have to visit Mother Nature on my own.”

Upset, yet determined, I began to stealthily follow my dad in the trees parallel to the path. I too would meet the elusive Mother of the Forest.

My dad’s pace quickened, and the terrain became more and more unruly. When I stopped chasing him, and watched him pace out of sight, I sat down in a ditch and cried.

The moral of the story is that sometimes the anticipation of something… No, actually, just explain things properly to your kids.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Why I wear contacts


The Missing Book

I was visiting my parents the other night in sleepy Los Alamos, and my mom was manically rummaging around the house.

"I just put my book down, and I can't find it anywhere."

"What's it called?"

"It's called Invisible."

Friday, August 26, 2016

The Reasons I Cry

I had a long drive today because my orthodontist is a few towns north of where I live. I was in the car, listening to music, and I started daydreaming. I am a vivid daydreamer, from years of experience in high school science classes. I am also PMSing. In the past, when I have been PMSing, I have cried for what some people would deem diculous reasons… sad commercials about dogs on TV, giving people compliments, and even a scene from a comedy show that wasn't supposed to be that heartfelt at all (in the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt show, when her friend is getting married, and she is upset because the groom is gay and there's nothing she can do to stop it). 
Well today, when I was driving, I started thinking about what my parents would say if they were giving me wedding toasts. And yes, I cried. I think the orthodontist was afraid that something horrible had happened (yay discounts!). My parents have very high expectations set for them now, if I ever get married.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Consequences of Resourcefulness

The other night, I went to a barbecue and my glass was continually filled, so I got pretty tipsy. I walked back to boyfriend's house, and he changed my phone password and distributed the contents of my purse onto the floor of several rooms. I decided to wait until I was sober enough to drive and deal with everything, and fell asleep until until 2:30 a.m..

At this point, I decided to just sleep there, but my eyes were killing me because I hadn't taken out my contacts. I went to the bathroom and found some extra contact solution, but I needed a container. I looked through the medicine cabinet and found an empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I took off the lid, which had a little bit of pink residue on it. I washed it in the sink, and then stuck my contacts in there for the night. 

The next morning, my contacts were swimming in a little pink pool of solution. Apparently I hadn't washed the lid thoroughly. I put them in, and they felt fine, but they made my eyes glow pink. I thought the color would hopefully fade and I could clean them when I got home. It wasn't that noticeable. 

"Good morning. How did you slee--OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYES."

It was a little noticeable.  

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Rat

There was a rat in my boyfriend's mother's closet, and as the bravest man in the world it was his responsibility to murder it. At the time, he had a job at a science lab where they had to suffocate mice in bags... the company later got sued for having a secret barn full of sick goats and lost their animal license. 

The rat was in an old shoe, and it actually was pretty cute. But as I remarked on this, he reminded me of all of the diseases that rats carry so I wouldn't get emotional. 

In preparation, he went to a safe and pulled out a gun. He had to defend himself. 

He scooped the rat in a bag, and he took it outside. He banged it on the ground, and the rat died instantly. 

"I kinda still want to shoot it."

"No, that will make a big mess."

And that is the story of how I aided a murder.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Killing Me Softly

My friend that had worked with me in England came to visit last week. We had a full itinerary of hiking, wine tasting, surfing, and trail running. When her last evening was upon us we decided that it was only fair to the world if we shared our musical talents. We went to a dive bar a few blocks from where I live called Bill's Place. Wine, schnapps, and beer kept us singing karaoke far too long, and it was a wonderful ending to her trip. Yet it was only the beginning of the turmoil that that night would bring.

The morning my friend had left (got to the train station with 3 minutes to spare) I hungoveredly dropped my phone into my coffee. There didn't seem to be much damage. I showed it to my boyfriend, and while he fiddled with it, he came across a poorly filmed selfie video of my friend and I, silently and with much exaggerated expressions, singing "Killing me Softly".

"Man, I wish I could hear this," he said while I sat back, relieved. A little while later his phone buzzed, and I heard my friend and I drunkenly butchering lyrics, one could say killing people softly with our words. He had sent the video to himself.

Every night since, whenever I see my boyfriend or his housemate, they start singing it. Next time I drink schnapps (which is hopefully never), the phone stays at home.

Slumber

I was visiting my friend and her family, planning her wedding that's set for November. It felt like being a kid again, sitting in the living room with her dad in charge of the remote to the television (Television! Pff! So '90s).

While my friend and I gabbed about decorations, my friend's dad drifted off and began to snore. There's something about the way peoples' chins drop when they're sleeping upright that gives even the most dignified people drooling expressions.

While he slept, clutching the remote to his chest, Antique Road Show blurred in the background. After several episodes, my friend's brother said, "Why is this on?" which prompted my friend's father to stop snoring and contribute with a resounding "I HAVE NO IDEA" before continuing to snore with the next breath.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Old Hag Problems

I never thought that I'd ever be worried about wrinkles or aging, but they seem to become concerns overnight. I haven't been sleeping as well as I used to since I got my puppy around Christmastime. My dark circles seem prominent, so I decided to use the trusty interwebs to find some solutions. The cheapest, and seemingly easiest remedy was to put cold teabags under my eyes. Cool.

I decided to chill my tea in the freezer to speed along the process. The teabags froze together, and when I took them out to put them on my face, I had to pull them apart. Unknowingly, I must've ripped one of them in the process. After a few minutes of feeling the cold tea on my face, using magic to change the color of my skin, I began to feel something else too... little grains of tea that had somehow migrated over my entire face. I got up to rinse my face, and I felt like I had sand in my eyeball. Tea grains had collected and formed the shape of the grim in my eye, and it took awhile to flush them all out...

My dark circles seem less prominent now, but only because my flaming red, irritated eyes are drawing more attention.

If you want to learn from this, just pay $12 for a cream.