Saturday, July 9, 2016

Old Hag Problems

I never thought that I'd ever be worried about wrinkles or aging, but they seem to become concerns overnight. I haven't been sleeping as well as I used to since I got my puppy around Christmastime. My dark circles seem prominent, so I decided to use the trusty interwebs to find some solutions. The cheapest, and seemingly easiest remedy was to put cold teabags under my eyes. Cool.

I decided to chill my tea in the freezer to speed along the process. The teabags froze together, and when I took them out to put them on my face, I had to pull them apart. Unknowingly, I must've ripped one of them in the process. After a few minutes of feeling the cold tea on my face, using magic to change the color of my skin, I began to feel something else too... little grains of tea that had somehow migrated over my entire face. I got up to rinse my face, and I felt like I had sand in my eyeball. Tea grains had collected and formed the shape of the grim in my eye, and it took awhile to flush them all out...

My dark circles seem less prominent now, but only because my flaming red, irritated eyes are drawing more attention.

If you want to learn from this, just pay $12 for a cream.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Harry Potter Betrayed Me

My friend and I were making Harry Potter wands for the release of 'The Cursed Child' this month. We used dowel rods, and we covered them with hot glue and beads before painting them to look like tree branches.

We used acrylic paints, and I got a big red cup with water for our paintbrushes. Halfway through telling a joke, I got thirsty and instinctually reached for the cup of water. I took a big ol' swig of dirty paint water.

The best part was that my friend was so polite that she said she was going to pretend that she hadn't noticed.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016


On my grandfather's ranch there are a bunch of barns. Sometimes horses are boarded there, and some of them are used for storage. In the biggest barn there is a ladder into a closed-off part of loft. The entrance at the top of the ladder is a barn door that opens from the top and the bottom. Inside, my brother and I had made a fort. "Home Sweet Home" was written in chalk on the wall, and we had some ropes and slingshots up there.

After a long absence from California, when I was around thirteen and my brother was ten, my family came to visit my grandparents. My brother was chasing me for some reason, and I ran to the barn. I knew I could climb the ladder faster than him. So I scurried up. The door had been left open since our last visit. I grabbed the bottom half and swung it closed. Happy at my victory, I leaned out of the top part of the door to mock my brother. The door was moving.

During our absence, hundreds of small bats had made their nest between the open door and the barn. The bats, being disoriented from the light, began flying in all directions--most notably upward, into my face.

Soon after this experience, maybe in that moment, I outgrew the fort in the loft.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016


I fell in love for several reasons, a noteworthy one was a mutual fluency in Spanglish. Another was our impressive usage of puns.

I visited him in San Francisco the autumn we started dating, and it was cold. I hadn't brought a proper jacket, but along the pier there are loads of shops selling inexpensive fleece sweaters that have San Francisco logos on them.

"I think I'm going to get a fleece," I said.

"But I thought you already were happy."

Saturday, July 2, 2016


Two of my Irish friends were in San Francisco with their work visas the summer after I graduated college. I met them in the bay for a period. We were walking around Palo Alto one day, and we saw a pair of shoes on top of one of those newspaper boxes. I think they were Vans.

My friend's current shoes were in far worse of a condition as the ones on the box. We checked, and they were his size.

"Is this some sort of trick?" he asked.

We stood around and chatted, waiting around the shoes. No one came to take them, so he just put them on. He wore them for his whole trip.

I went to visit Ireland the next year, and he was still wearing the shoes.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Dangers in the Pre-Cellphone Era

When I was in my freshman year of high school, my best friend and I had a journal that we passed back and forth between classes. It was a good way to keep in contact before cell phones became more discreet. I actually don't remember if I even had a cell phone then... Well, my friend would always write about her classes. She was a true academic, full of intellectual curiosity and brilliance. I always wrote about the boy that I liked. Well, I actually liked many boys, but I'd always like one person the most at a given time.

I liked this boy that had spoken to me maybe once. I just decided to like him for the fun of it. His dad and my dad were friends, and his dad joked around with me occasionally about his son. His son "had a good Chewbacca impression", so I drew pictures in the journal of me holding hands with Chewbacca. I have no excuses for how weird this was. I was bored, hyperactive, and obsessed with romance.

One day, my friend accidentally left the journal behind in one of her classes. Of all the people in the entire school who could have discovered this journal, it happened to be one of my crush's close friends. To my horror, his friend group read the journal.

Fortunately, my teenage self was so tactless that this didn't have too terrible an impression on my quest for love. And now, after all these years, I'm pretty sure that my Chewbacca impression is better than his was.